An apocalyptic checklist

Silly me. Here I am stocking up on canned goods, flame-retardant blankets, matches and gas masks for my underground shelter. After watching the end-of-the-world epic ‘2012,’ I now realize just how many wasted hours on emergency preparedness courses I’ve spent.

I have now started to compile a new checklist to ready myself for the end of times, thanks to director Roland Emmerich, whose outdone his previous appetites for destruction in this exclamation mark of a movie. The film, simply put, is one big escape route when things go to pot.

John Cusak stars as Jackson Curtis, a dad who reunites with his estranged family (including wife played by Amanda Peet) all while dodging every single natural disaster known to man.

Many may view all the devastation as a mere theatrical theme park ride, but more savvy viewers will catch all the helpful kernels of knowledge peppered throughout to help plan for each and every worst cast scenario.

My new apocalyptic checklist, based on seeing the film 2012:

1)Fully charged cell phone: Not for emergency contacts, but rather to accept calls from tearful friends and family members moments before they meet their impending doom, which is frequent and surprising without cellular disruption despite crumbling continents. This phone should come with a shock-resistant casing, though, as the phone tends to get thrown or slammed in dramatic frustration each time this occurs.

2)Befriend wealthy, burly Russian guy: Not only do they have limitless access to the best escape vehicles at their disposal, but they also possess superhuman people hurling skills, which helps when crevasses cannot be breached by mere will and determination.

3)A pickup truck. If it’s good enough for he Dali Lama’s escape, it’s good enough for me. Who knew when Bob Segar was singing “Like a Rock,” he was referring to the Himalayas?

4)Travel frequently in an RV. Sure, it offers a great opportunity to bond with the family, as Cusak’s character does with his estranged children, but it’s equally good at clearing gaping holes in roadways with nary a scratch.

5)Go to med school. This is really killing two birds with one stone, as everyone knows you can get the proper medical knowledge that may come in handy. But did you know that surgeons make the best pilots? I suppose it has to do with steady hands and such, but this guy could pilot not only a single-engine Cessna, but take charge of a massive cargo plane.

6)Start writing sci-fi novels. Even if they do not sell, they get you noticed by all the right people at all the right times. It worked for L. Ron Hubbard, too.

7)Eat more pickles. This will be a tough one, but they apparent induce a clarity that most non-pickle-chompers are unable to attain. This is demonstrated by Charlie Frost (played by Woody Harrelson), whose dismissed as a paranoid loon, but between bites of the dill delicacy, is the only one who truly understands the enormity of Earth’s peril.

8)Avoid visiting landmarks. They are the first to go. The Vatican, Yellowstone, The Washington Monument – all are the first to crumble in a most spectacular way in 2012, thus, ensuring immediate demise if you are standing within radius.

9)Purchase African real estate. Trust me, that’s the only continent Mother Nature does not set her designs on.

I’m pretty sure there plenty more lessons to be learned, but at two and a half hours, it’s a feat to gather all the information thrown at the audience. And if you know what’s good for you, it’s best to follow the sage-like advice of Emmerich, the master of cinematic disaster, and his unrelenting flares of warning. For he has spend the better part of his cinematic career trying to assist us in such dire emergencies that even Irwin Allen could not fathom.

Come on, people. The clock is ticking.

~ by usesoapfilm on November 19, 2009.

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